Sure, he’s a God to tweens everywhere. But Bieber is an 18-year-old overgrown child who needs normalcy more than anything else in his life. He needs to kick back with his buddies and do what relaxes him. If that’s a relatively harmless drug that’s never directly killed anyone ever, so be it. Bieber’s apology is noted, and it’s comforting for the parents of his impressionable fans to read that, but it is totally unnecessary.
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Seau is, bizarrely, the eighth member of the 1994 San Diego Chargers Super Bowl team to die — all before the age of 45.
SI Cover Girl leaked: “Funny that in an era when seeing a more-naked 19-year-old would not be very difficult, the honor of Appearing in a Swimsuit on X Publication is still relevant — and still enough to give the Internet an awkward boner to tuck under its belt for the rest of the workday.”
This is Ashton Kutcher.
Watch him run in slow motion, into a limo with a blonde lady. He’s pretty badass, look.
Now look, Demi is in the hospital. She might’ve inhaled nitrous oxide and had a seizure. She might’ve just been stressed and exhausted. You think the Ashton Kutcher cares? No, he doesn’t give a shit. Now look, here’s a house full of bees. Ashton’s getting stung, like, a thousand times. He doesn’t give a shit; he’s hungry. Nothing can stop the Ashton when he’s hungry. Get away from me, says a snake. Ashton Kutcher don’t care. Ashton Kutcher smacks the shit out of it.
Ew, he’s eating larvae. Look, he’s cheating on his wife on their anniversary with a woman more than half her age. He eats larvae. How disgusting is that? He eats larvae. Oh, the Ashton Kutchers are just crazy. He’s been referred to by TMZ as the most fearless actor in the entire actor kingdom. He really don’t give a shit. Ashton Kutcher don’t care. Ashton Kutcher don’t give a shit, he just takes what he wants.
Oh, little does Ashton Kutcher know: FYI, it’s been stuuung. Look at that sleepy fuck. So the Ashton Kutcher is gonna pass out for a few minutes, then it’s going to get right back up and start eating all over again, ’cause it’s a hungry little bastard. How disgusting. Look, he gets right back up and starts acting in Two and a Half Men! So of course, what does Ashton Kutcher have to eat for the next few weeks? Jon Cryer.
He really has no regard for any animal whatsoever.
Ew, he’s chasing things and eating them. Ashton Kutchers have a fairly long body, but a distinctly thick set of broad shoulders, and their skin is loose, allowing them to move about freely, and they twist around.
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” he told Men’s Journal in a recent interview. “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
But only if he were with his kids? What about if he had the Funky Bunch with him instead? Would he still have overpowered the box cutter-wielding terrorists? Is he stronger than everyone in the world? And how the hell would he be able to land a jumbo jet without any training? Is he secretly Ted Striker?