Apple released several new products today, the most exciting one being a $400 phone with a different color aluminum from the old $400 phone. You may have seen the 7,000 live blogs and Twitter feeds blasting you with a bukkake firehose of Apple updates. But keep reading, because this is what you didn’t see.
To use Passbook, Forstall says, you have to cut your physical cards into thin strips and then insert them slowly into the brand-new Lightning adapter, kind of like sticking crayons in your nose until they lodge in your brain.
And speaking of nose crayons, Apple also unveils an earbud meant for the nostril. Notice one of the buds is a different shape. That’s because it’s meant to fill the nasal cavity with smells that correspond to the music.
The Apple product is a multisensory experience, much like making love to a woman sitting in a bikini and sarong under a sign that says “Shave Ice.” When asked about the phone’s new “integrated touch” feature, Senior Vice President Philip Schiller giggles, squirms, elbows you in the rib and says, “Come on, ya wise guy!”